Updated: May 8, 2020
We’ve made it to the other side of pt 1!
We are finally here!
Y’all, I sincerely apologize for the wait!
How’ve y’all been? What’s happened since we last spoke?
Your girl has been working and battling this weather. As hot as it’s been in Louisiana, hell can keep any invitation that may have been for me. Not happening.
So here we are, the release of my truth!
Since we last met, I discovered part one was a set up for not only forgiveness but the wounds unforgiveness created.
What I’m getting ready to share with you all is one of several things that held me hostage of freedom. This in particular held me for four years — I allowed the enemy, as well as myself, to condemn me for what God had already forgiven me for.
So, prepare yourself. Be sure you’re in a position to read with no interruptions. This is a longer reading than usual.
It was 2015, just a few weeks after Christmas. All of a sudden, everyday, I was drained. No energy. No appetite. Emotions running wild. And nauseous only in the afternoon.
At the time, I was working at a Christian based after school program with 6-8 graders. For those who know me, I absolutely love children. They hold a special place in my heart.
If that gives you any idea, I was excited to get back to my kids after the winter break!
Upon arrival, I noticed a drastic change in energy. I had absolutely no patience, no energy.. nothing to show for my excitement on their first day back.
I was feeling so sick and deprived of sleep I actually left early to head home to get rest.
I get home and notice my bladder had been overly sensitive. I was cramping and so forth.. but no Mother Nature.
I quickly grabbed my phone to do the math.
I drove up the street to Dollar General and grabbed the cheapest pregnancy tests.
I get home, take the tests, BOTH those bad boys read positive. Bold lines. Not one faint.
I was 4 weeks pregnant.
In shock and tears, I immediately contacted the young man I was dating at the time.
There’d never been so many emotions running at once. He seemed to be prepared and I didn’t know what to do. I’d just moved back in with my mom, he was leaving for the league, the relationship was a bit rocky, our families were not in the same state and all I could think about were the cons to come.
We scheduled different visits over the first few weeks or so. After one of my initial appointments, at this office in particular, I didn’t have much peace.
As we headed to an appointment days later, this one too had me a bit uneasy.
I was placed in a room with many women, and I couldn’t stomach half the things heard.
I wanted to just go home and sleep until reality hit for me. There was a lot happening once for me to trying doing it by myself (outside of him).
The nurse call my name and anxiety had come over me. In that moment, all I wanted was peace and clarity. Not realizing God had already done that. Not realizing He was with me, covering me and my baby.
As my doctor prepared, I lied back and I began to cry.
She started my appointment; I was so out of it, I couldn’t remember what was being said or done.
Not even 45 seconds later, I hopped up in a panic asking her to stop. In this cold and dull colored room, something had come over me. I remember the feeling of tears that’d come running down my face.
I wanted to try.
I wanted to continue pressing forward.
I’d received tunnel vision, again.
But to my surprise it was too late.
Before I knew it, I’d aborted my unborn.
For years, I battled with the last memory of choosing life and it being too late.
Time went by— He and I would talk every so often over the years after separation, but never really discussed what’d actually happened until September 2018 (which is the month we were expecting, years prior). What a coincidence, right!
[quick side note] a few weeks prior to us connecting, I’d been carrying this simple prayer around desperately wanting to be free of anything that had me chained.
Over the weeks, meditating on this prayer, it was revealed I hadn’t healed from my past.
I reached out and he called. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say. The only thing I was sure of is God had made it known, it was time to release. It was time to “stand up, pick up my mat, and walk”. (John 5:8)
When he called, I was in Dollar General..
Y’all. before we get started, let’s get something understood. I’m a low key thug.
We can now continue.
I saw his name, heard his voice, broke down in tears. I was led to apologized for being so selfish and inconsiderate. Wishing I’d known what I know now, then. I thought at the time it was best for a moment! It was an impulse decision out of fear.
I didn’t know how to discern God’s voice from the enemy’s or even my own.
He reminded me God had forgiven. It’d been almost 4 years and I was still holding myself hostage. At this point, I’d created self inflicted wounds by condemning myself.
After I spoke with him, I “felt” better.
But was I? No.
Healing was a process for me. It took time.
I had to remain at God’s feet and still do.
It was a daily fight towards healing. I had to not only accept God’s grace, mercy and forgiveness. I had to practice forgiving myself.
In that season, God reminded me, I’d been set free. I was not that young and broken girl anymore. He reminded me my sins are as far from me as the east is from the west.
-The east and west will never meet. When God forgives our sin(s), he separates them from us completely. God has wiped your record clean.-
So here I am. Praying someone receives healing through my transparency.
I open my heart, my life to say, you are not alone. Whatever your sin or past may be. You are NOT your mistakes or circumstances.
God is with you and loves you unconditionally.
We all fall short.
Our sins, may not look the same, but we all need Him. Let us thank Him for relation, not religion. We thank Him for His grace, welcoming arms and mercy.
So, until next time, I leave you all with a simple prayer. The same prayer that opened my heart, mind and soul. The prayer that let me know I was desperate for freedom.
I pray that it helps you break free as well.
remember, grace yourself
p.s. this is grace
Father, I ask that you redeem, restore and change my identity so that there is no incident, season or name from my past left to define me.
In Jesus’ name